Division - It’s Time For An Honest Conversation

Sarah

Mar 110 min read

Lets talk candidly about the reality of having a loved one with extremist views and opinions and the impact that has on our own personal relationships.

Having a loved one with extremist and hateful views and opinions can be stressful and confusing enough without the additional stress of differing opinions and arguments with your partner or ex partner on how to deal with the situation.

This doesn’t just negatively impact your own health and wellbeing. It can cause stress, anxiety, depression, sleep deprivation and lack of concentration just to name a few, we also begin to see that negativity spills into many relationships.

Here are just a few examples of what we often see in these situations. We will discuss these more in this article.

It might be that you disagree on how to handle the situation.

You might feel like you are the one making all the decisions and left to deal with the situation.

You might feel like others are not taking it seriously.

You might feel unsupported and alone

You might feel abandoned.

You feel like you are being judged.

You may have conflicting views on the opinions expressed by your loved one involved.

You may not know what to do and feel helpless.

You may feel like it is not your place to get involved.(This is especially the case with partners and step parents and family and friends).

You may feel overwhelmed with the situation and hope it is just a passing phase.

All of these feelings are experienced by most families and loved ones so please never feel like you are on your own.

All of these feelings can result in division, resentment, anger and tension between couples, loved ones, family and friends and even estranged partners.

This is exactly what the extremists that push this narrative want. Whilst lives and relationships are falling apart they are taking advantage of the situation and offering your loved one a safe place and stability in the extremists spaces, and using your downfall as a narrative to create anger and bitterness with your loved one and directing it towards ethnic groups, and blaming race,diversity, religion and immigration for their problems.

Many families and loved ones that are going through this are simply just surviving. They are just trying to get through the day without confrontation and arguments. They also have the constant fear of what their loved one is doing, where they are going, and who they are talking to.

Simple conversations can be a huge challenge and are tense with fear of an outburst or that you might say something to set them off.

Home is no longer where the heart is, it is where the devil resides.

Looking at this from a mentors perspective and also as someone who has a lived experience of this, I am going to go through various relationships and discuss realistically and openly how those relationships are impacted and what you can do to get back on track.

It is important to remember that there is professional and free support that is available that can be obtained by those facing challenges in relationships and we will provide a list of where you can find that support at the end.

MUM AND DAD/STEP PARENT/PARTNER

Let's look at how extremism impacts relationships between couples. Let's start by listing just a few of the things that I see most often and in all honesty that I have experienced first hand.

Within the relationship

Anger and frustration towards your partner.

Not living up to expectations.

Not being supported in a way they believe they should be supported.

Not protecting you or putting you in harm's way.

Lack of energy and motivation for each other.

Difficulty maintaining interest in your partner's life.

Impact on mental health and wellbeing.

Feeling frustrated or irritable with your partner.

Feeling inadequate as a partner/provider/carer.

Jealousy and resentment towards your partner.

Individually

Reduction in concentration.

Lack of sleep.

Poor appetite.

Risk of anxiety or depression.

Concern about a partner's wellbeing.

Irritable and defensive.

Feelings of judgement.

Feeling cast aside or unimportant.

Lack of sex drive/disinterest in intimacy.

Feelings of fear and despair.

Those are just a few of the more common things that if we are completely honest with ourselves that we can all agree are affecting us right now.

These things are almost like a silent entity that creeps up on us, and before we realise it they have crept into our lives.

This is often because we are preoccupied with our loved ones extreme views and ideologies and trying to navigate that minefield.

Once you are aware of it you can be proactive in making positive changes and the most important change you can make is the way that you communicate with your partner.

Expectation and reality are two different things and as much as we love our partner and as well as we might know them, none of us are a mind reader.

We need to find a way of communicating our expectations of each other effectively and we need to be realistic. There is no quick fix but working together can reduce the impact and a strong family unit will be essential in your loved ones recovery.

So with that in mind lets look at some methods of communication.

Set aside a designated time to discuss this topic and this topic alone. Try not to rush this time but ensure it does not last all night, and try to make it a time and space with little to no interruptions.Ensure it is when you are both as relaxed as possible for example it is not when someone immediately gets home from work. Listen to each other, do not dismiss or rubbish ideas, instead look at how you can adapt them to make them work, it is important that you work together.

Keep a list of things you wish to discuss at hand - This can keep you to task and avoid going off on tangents. Prioritise the most important things.

Try different methods to communicate.If face to face conversations are strained, try using a different method to communicate.

Use the telephone, Create a designated chat on Whatsapp or via email, even try corresponding via a shared notebook.There are also parenting communication apps that are available for estranged parents and relationships. Whatever works best for you. As time passes you might be able to change how you communicate as well. Start with a smaller time limit and build it up. Start with one or two things and again build it up. There is no point in a stockpile of things to discuss in say 30 minutes, prioritise the most important things first and arrange another date later for the others.

Don’t expect resolutions overnight, things need to be worked on for improvements to be made, remember Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Look for the positives. If you have managed a 30 minute conversation without arguing then that is absolutely progress, ensure that you both recognise that.

Learn from your mistakes, trials and tribulations and remember nobody is perfect. Recognise and admit that you could have handled it better, think about what you could have done differently, learn from it, and move on.

Avoid Blaming each other. When having open discussions try not to blame or pass judgement on others. This is not your fault, It is not your partners or ex partners fault. The fault lies solely with the Extremists that are pushing this hateful narrative and using our loved ones' vulnerabilities to radicalise them.

Tell your partner what they could do to help you, and keep those expectations realistic and achievable.They are not mind readers and nor are we, the easiest way to get what we all want and ensure that we are doing our best for our selves, our family and each other is by talking to each other and expressing your expectations from them to them.

Be open and honest with each other. If something is unachievable or makes you uncomfortable, talk about it, and look for an alternative solution together.

Listen to each other. You are both going through the same thing, it just affects each individual in different ways. Just because your partner can sleep peacefully whilst you're wide awake does not mean that they are less affected. Talk to each other about how you are feeling but more importantly listen to each other as well, and remember this is not a competition everybody is different.

Set aside time for yourselves, try to set aside a couple of hours a week to eat a meal, watch a film or go for a walk together. That time should be about the two of you and agree not to mention kids or anything that causes friction. You have dedicated times set aside for that.

Don’t make demands, demanding a partner do this or that and especially in front of someone such as your loved one involved is not going to end well for anyone other than the extremists that want to cause chaos and unhappiness.

Stay calm and be respectful to each other. Nobody responds or reacts well to someone that is shouting at them or being disrespectful, It causes tension. Resentment and division and nothing can be achieved. If things are becoming tense then recognise it and shut it down before it goes any further.

Put on a united front - It is important that you remain united especially in front of the individual involved, if they see you start to fall apart then they will likely seek stability,safety and support with like minded people.

Educate yourselves and learn together. When dealing with extremism there is no rule book, each individual is different, they will have different narratives and will respond differently. Many families do not realise exactly what extremism and radicalisation is. Learn together. We will provide a list of resources where you can learn together.

Do not be deflated. If you get a negative response to something,discuss it and talk about what you can do differently next time. Avoid blaming the other party.

Intimacy- Intimacy can often be the last thing on our minds. However each individual is different. When you are tense, stressed and scared about things that are happening around us then that last thing we want to think about are the intimate needs of others, and it can be extremely hurtful and frustrating when these needs and wants are expressed. It can be equally as hurtful to the individual with those desires and they often see it as rejection when refused. Open those lines of communication and have a conversation about this. Instead of allowing the person to believe that you are rejecting them, sit them down and explain that right now you're too bogged down by everything that is going on, remind them that you still love, desire and find them attractive and ask them to be patient and to try to understand how you are feeling.

Try to spend non-sexual quality time together where you can focus solely on each other as it is easy for relationships and partners to feel neglected in these situations.

Non-sexual contact can help too, cuddles and other physical contact can help both of you to feel close and offer reassurance and security.

Nobody should ever feel pressured into intimacy just to make someone else happy. Chances are this will result in resentment,pressure and feeling de-valued, as much as they may appear to enjoy it “in the end”, never put anyone in that position.

If you take into account just a few of these things and work together, you can drastically reduce the stress, trauma and damage that might happen or that might be happening in your relationship.

STEP PARENTS/PARTNERS AND ESTRANGED RELATIONSHIPS

Now let's talk about estranged relationships and step parents because this is an important topic that needs to be covered and can affect many families.

STEP PARENTS AND PARTNERS.

Step parents and partners often feel like they lack the authority to step up to the challenges that many of us face when we have a loved one involved in extremism.

They may believe that is not their place to have certain conversations, or step in when required.

They might be worried about the reaction of the individual, their partner or the other parent and family.

To overcome this you need to have honest and open conversations and set boundaries and discuss your expectations.

Have detailed and in depth conversations about what is and is not acceptable and discuss why you believe this to be the case.

This will resolve any doubt or uncertainty and you will both be on the same page, It will also show a united front to the individual involved.

ESTRANGED PARENTS

Many relationships break up and not all of them end amicably. When this is the case it is often more challenging to communicate, let alone agree on how to resolve issues.

It can sometimes be the case that estranged parents want to blame their ex partner for their loved ones involvement, sometimes this is true but it is not always the case.

When we are angry and scared, it is only natural to want to lash out and to look for someone to blame.

The only people that are responsible for your loved ones involvement are the individuals that have taken advantage of them and groomed them.

If you have found yourself in this situation the best thing that you can do for your loved one is try to keep your external relationships calm and simple. Remember any fighting and disruption will only validate everything that these organisations are telling them, and they will counter the problems going on in their personal life by offering stability, a brotherhood, a safe space where they are welcomed and everyone is united and they will use your situations to direct hatred towards others.

Here are some things that estranged parents can do.

Use a communication app If it is difficult to communicate with each other.

Use a trusted third party to communicate about your loved one.

Don't allow personal or past issues to get in the way of what is happening now.

Avoid blaming each other or blaming others

Try to include each other in decision making. Ask for their input.

Include each other in appointments and support.

Understand that everyone handles things differently. If someone doesn’t think or feel like you do it doesn’t mean that they are any less impacted by it.

Work together, share the burden, avoid blame and concentrate on the things that matter the most.

Just remember. The people responsible for creating division within relationships, they do this so families fall apart. It is a very manipulative tactic that is very effective because when this happens chaos ensues and whilst you are busy trying to stay afloat, they can have more access and control over your loved one who is now more angry, confused, stressed, scared etc than ever. It only increases their vulnerability.

Do not allow this to happen.

Here are some points of support that can help parents and families and loved ones that are experiencing this.

Relate - www.relate.org.uk

Family Lives - www.familylives.org.uk

National Family Mediation - www.org.uk

Advice now - www.advicenow.org.uk

Samaritans - 116123

SupportLine - www.supportline.org.uk

Family Action - www.family-action.org.uk

Combat Stress Helpline - www.combatstress.org.uk

Shout - www.giveusashout.org

SANEline - www.sane.org.uk