TELLING FAMILY AND FRIENDS

Telling family and friends is never easy.

Like most of you during my son's involvement, I found myself isolating myself more and more from my family and friends and that was because I didn’t want them to witness what was happening and what my son was becoming. I didn’t want their judgement and I certainly didn’t want their unhelpful advice such as “Give him a crack” and “He needs a good talking too”

Instead of telling them the truth my isolation only justified their opinions that I had lost control and my child was a good lad turned bad and that I was incompetent parent.

That led to many of them giving up on him and me. To hear someone saying that your child won't amount to anything is heart-breaking and it only intensifies those feelings of failure that many of us bear.

I was dealing with everything on my own, it was a very lonely existence.

I missed my family and my friends desperately, but I also felt very let down by them. I was hurt that they couldn’t understand what we were going through, and I really wanted their support.

They didn’t understand because I never told them.

The fear, shame, disappointment and judgement that enables extremism and divides families will only affect you and your family if you conform and allow it.

Having those conversations don’t have to be difficult.

Start with the Family members and Friends that you trust the most. Either get together in a small group or a have the conversations one to one.

Meet up in a place that is private, a place where you feel comfortable and a place where you don’t run the risk of being overheard or interrupted.

Ensure none of you have any time restraints.

Take with you any additional helpful information such as leaflets a laptop with links to useful websites which can allow you to explain things more clearly.

Begin the conversation by explaining to them that what you are about to talk about is difficult for you and may be difficult for them to hear.

Explain that you are confiding in them because you need their support and not judgement.

Ask them to not interrupt you and they will be more than welcome to ask you questions once you have finished

Ask them to keep this conversation private and not to discuss it elsewhere without your knowledge.

Remember they may have questions that you don’t have the answers to.

If that happens be honest and simply say. I can’t answer to that because I don’t know.

Don’t try to come up with excuses, just be honest.

Initially keep your explanation as simple as possible. Stick to the facts and what you know, you can fill in the details later.

For example you could start by opening up with these topics.

1-Your child has been radicalised by Extremist organisations.

2-When you realized what was happening/how you found out.

3-The impact that your child’s involvement is having on them.

4-The impact of your child’s involvement is having on you.

5-What you have done about your situation so far.

6-What they can do to support you both.

My family and friends were devastated when they finally found out what had been going on, and it wasn’t because of my son’s involvement.

It was due to the fact that I didn’t tell them and went though all of that alone.

They had so many questions and they were really understanding.

Their opinions of my Son changed, and they no longer saw him as a problem, instead they saw him going through a problem.

They no longer saw me as an incompetent parent with no control, instead they saw me as a parent that fought hard for her son.

Instead of expressing disapproval they now have admiration for both of us.

One valuable lesson that I learned from my experience is that.

You cannot expect people to help you or understand your situation, If you are not willing to be open and honest with them and tell them what is going on

Family and friends can offer much needed support, please don’t allow Extremism to destroy those bonds and take that away from you.

Sarah - Exit Support Officer

Mom of a Former Far-Right Activist.